` ♚ miss mong (lolliloveee) wrote,
` ♚ miss mong

a little bit about me.

I live in a hierarchy. My father being one of the lowest of his family. The people above him are doctors, dentists, pharmacists, etc. His family think lowly of my mother, we've isolated ourselves off from them. And they disperse. Disperse in the sense after my grandmother died, they left Seattle. Some moved off to Florida, others to California, and the rest? I don't know. I'm not quite in touch with them. The only nice people of his family are the ones younger than him, the ones I call chu and co. They're friendly and nice. But as I continue to write, I don't know what to say. 

My half sister and the youngest aunt like to gossip and whisper, as though it doesn't matter. And I sit there breathing in everything, I who was ignorant about this hierarchy is now detached and tired. I think the world is weird. I don't think they even care. My mother likes to complain that the world is against her and assume that we all hate her because we aren't the best family. I sit there quietly, taking it in all, because if I cry I might be screamed at for being useless. I like to isolate myself from my family. Not intentionally, but I like to be alone at times. Sometimes I get away from my loneliness and join them, but I keep to myself. 

I'm a happy kid, I guess. I'm quite the under dog, if I say so myself. Others around me underestimate me and I'm quite ignorant of the world around me. I don't pay attention to much, sometimes I join in the gossip, but if I do, I end up being ignored. Maybe that's okay though. I'm quite hyper and loud at school, others judge and stare at me in odd ways, but I don't mind. I used to be shy at school, now I'm beginning to break that shell at school. My insecurities are going away, except not at youth group. Youth group is different, everyone is pretty and amazing, they're all extroverted and I'm scared. Scared to start a conversation with others because I'm not like them. I compare myself to others more than enough times. I'm not pretty, or perfect, if anything I lack courage, kindness and humility. So to go to youth group every week and have to take on that insecurity is scary enough. It's hard for me not to compare myself to others. I grew up comparing myself to others and it's embedded into me, like a chip in a robot. I've programmed myself to compare myself to others and smile.

People have diagnosed me with depression, I think they're crazy. But when I say I'm not, then I sound crazy. But, I don't define myself to a mental disorder. Bullied since preschool, gone to the counselor's for the rest of elementary school, suffered through self harm and loneliness. Sometimes I have heart palpitations, and sometimes they're scary because they don't slow down, they speed up and they last for hours. They don't stop. And it's scary again. All over again. They started last year when I started to text this boy more often, resulting in loss of sleep, I've given up being kind to him since he stopped caring about himself. I've stopped caring about a boy who left me. 

And I guess, I'm underestimating myself. I haven't self harmed in two weeks, I haven't wondered about suicide for awhile, I haven't broken anything yet, I'm here. Slowly overcoming my insecurities. I wish to live like Thoreau, not simply, but with a worthwhile life. 

That's me. Hi, I'm Alissa. Just call me Alissa. 

Tags: personal
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